Destroy All Vampires!


Destroy All Vampires!
A book that could save your life.

By Edghar Alain Toad.

Vampires are evil rotting corpses that walk, talk, and bite. They’re the worst kind of undead because they can pretend to be people. And they’re contagious. Vampirism is spreading across Norrath like wildfire, and the authors have dedicated their lives to destroying this menace.

Vampires can be found just about anywhere, but some places are much riskier than others.

Neriak’s vampires are right out in the open. It’s so bad that we think Dark Elves probably invented vampirism. The nearby forests of Nektulos and Darklight Wood are crawling with fangs too.

Freeport has become a haven for the undead. We suspect that the Overlord himself is a bloodsucker, considering how long he’s lived.

Faydwer is not safe either. We’re almost certain that vampires and ghouls occupy key positions in the royal courts of Tunaria and Kelethin, and bloodsucker central is definitely the Loping Plains.

If you ever meet a vampire:

Remember that it only wants your blood.

Don’t believe anything it says! Don’t even let it speak if you can help it.

You can not make a deal or reason with it.

Don’t make eye contact! It’ll pull a mind-scramble and before you know it you’ll be vamp-chow.

If you have holy water, a wooden stake or garlic, use it!

If you don’t have the appropriate gear, run! Get into sunlight as soon as possible.

Warning signs that someone is becoming a vampire:

Cold skin.
Bad breath.
Long fingernails.
No heartbeat.
Sunlight bothers them.
They cast no reflection in a mirror.
They sleep a lot, especially during the day.
They complain about being thirsty.
They were just bitten by a vampire.

Diagnosis is simple. If a person shows any three of these symptoms, then it’s not a person anymore. It’s a vampire!

What to do:

If someone you know is becoming a vampire there’s only one thing you can do. Get a good sharp stake and drive it right through their heart! There is no cure except death. Kill them. You’ll feel better.

A sharp stake is the most important tool any vampire hunter can have. Keep at least three of them handy at all times. A vampire with a wooden stake in its heart is guaranteed to bite the dust! Just don’t pull the stake back out again, just in case. That’s why you need three.

In a pinch you can use substitutes for the wooden stake. Bones work because they count as wood. Antlers, horns, tusks, wooden posts, pool cues, broken off table legs, and jagged tree trunks also make decent staking material.

Holy water is the next best weapon against bloodsuckers. Get any priest to bless some water and you’re good to go. If you can trick a vampire into drinking holy water then they’re done for, but you’re probably not clever enough for that so we recommend a delivery mechanism. Buckets are hard to aim with, but holy water sprinklers are good, and water balloons are even better. And don’t forget, a wet towel sprinkled with holy water works great in close quarters as both a weapon and a shield!

It’s a well known face that vampires hate garlic. We’re not sure why. Maybe it’s because the plant is sacred to Tunare or maybe they just hate everything that smells good.

Whatever the reason, garlic is a fantastic bloodsucker repellant. You should always keep a bulb of garlic around your neck and anywhere else you don’t want them to bite. A garlic cloak is like awesome vampire-proof armor!

Because sunlight is lethal, vampires must hide during the day, so they need help to defend themselves. They keep many kinds of minions to serve this purpose.

Ravenous werewolves, hounds of hell, bloodthirsty bats and stirges are just a few of the fiends you can expect to encounter when cracking a vampire’s lair, so you’ll need more than just sharp sticks and holy water. Wolfsbane, silver and wrought iron weapons, bright lights and fire are all must-haves. Tumpy’s Tasty Tranquilizing Treats work great on hell-hounds too.

When you think you’ve taken out a vampire, you need to make sure because they are really good at faking it. Some vampires can recover from a stake in the heart if you pull it back out. One species of vampire can even survive in daylight!

The only way to be sure a vampire is dead is to burn its body completely and bury the ashes at a crossroads. And remember: no two bloodsuckers die the same way, but all will try to take you with them.

That’s it. If you’ve read this fae then you know all tricks of vampire hunting. Now go out there and totally annihilate those night-stalking freaks!

Death to all vampires!

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